Inducing Heterophobia Through the Sylvester Method
by buduica
Summary: After hearing that Kurt went out with Brittany in 'Laryngitis,' Sue decides that he needs to kiss a guy, just to make sure. She chooses a not-exactly-reluctant Mike for the task.


**Inducing Heterophobia Through the Sue Sylvester Method**  
_by aishuu_

Characters: Mike/Kurt, Sue

Warnings: Some sexual talk and lots of offensive language via Sue.

Spoilers: Through Funk to be safe.

* * *

The hallways at McKinley High are a dangerous place for the unwary, even a pseudojock like Mike Chang. He's used to being relatively safe from the attacks since he coasts along without making enemies, and Matt always had his back.

Besides, he has his own form of intimidation in this hick high school. While Mike's slender build isn't much of a threat, no one wants to mess with the kid whose father is the president of the local NRA chapter. Mike's been a certified instructor since he was twelve, and the roaming horde of degenerates that infests the hallways is very aware that he has a concealed gun permit.

So it's a complete surprise when the left side of his head suddenly explodes in pain.

It takes a second for him to realize someone has grabbed hold of his ear and is now dragging him down the hallway using it as a handle. It takes a split second to realize that there is only one person in the school who would do it. It takes a millisecond to realize he's up the creek without a paddle.

It's hard to keep his balance as Sue Sylvester pulls him along at her usual, ground-eating pace. He doesn't dare yell or ask "why," because he has no desire to become a Vincent Van Gogh imitator.

Mike looks back at where his bro is standing, wondering why he hadn't had any warning. Matt just shrugs at him helplessly. Mike can't blame him – no one who wants to live to see the end of last period gets between Sue Sylvester and her current target.

Doesn't mean he's not going to lock Matt in the choir room with Rachel tomorrow, though.

His minor musing on revenge vanishes when he realizes exactly how much shit he's in. Sue Sylvester turns a corner, leading him by the ear. He tries to think of what he's done to earn her attention – aside from being in Glee Club – and comes up short. The other jocks have done much more to earn her ire, since he wasn't the one who knocked up Quinn Fabray, and he never got involved in tossing slushies or throwing boys who would become Cheerios into the dumpster. He thought he was safe because he floated under the radar.

There's no sympathetic looks from his peers, none of the usual commiseration the cool kids shared when one was caught by a teacher. No one _dares._

Mike's not the smartest kid in school, despite Asian stereotypes, but between the painful jerks on his ear (which he is _not_ whimpering about, the squeaks are come from his shoes), his brain fires fast enough to realize their destination... Sue Sylvester's office. He might have been honored, if he could feel anything except sheer dread.

He's never been allowed into her office before. Sue doesn't let anyone with Y chromosomes in (though the school rumor mill says she's being a hypocrite about that) with the exception of Kurt Hummel (which the same rumor mill contends is not really an exception since Kurt's lack of testosterone would be explained by genetic deformity).

The office is much as he would have expected, had he thought about it. The amount of trophies in the case was like an altar to Sue's admittedly huge ego. Everything around it screams a devotion to cheerleading, and there's no sign that Sue is actually paid to teach regular classes.

She lets him go in front of her desk, before circling around to claim the office seat like it's a throne. He rubs the side of his head, checking to make sure his left ear is still attached.

"Sit down," she says, and there's nothing in her voice to offer any kind of reassurance that she's not plotting to maim him.

Mike sits on command. His mama didn't raise a fool.

Sue crosses her arms on the desk, taking the same pose she uses for her Sue's Corner segments on the local news channel. The smile that curves her lips does nothing to make Mike believe he's going to live to see his seventeenth birthday (which is two weeks away).

"I have a bit of a problem which needs addressing," Sue starts.

Mike wonders what the hell he's done... and then it occurs to him that she's planning on using him. And since Sue Sylvester's only had one problem she hasn't been able to solve that he's aware of, it doesn't take long to jump to the obvious conclusion.

"I like Glee," he says softly. It takes a lot of guts to oppose Sue Sylvester. It's stupid of him, since getting in Sue's way is the equivalent of stepping in front of the path of a 747 about to land. There's no way to survive it.

"What did you say, Other Asian?"

"I like Glee, and I'm not doing anything to sabotage it," he says, forcing himself to speak up. He knows he's signing his own death warrant, but least it's kind of a heroic death, dying for something he believes in.

She's tapping her hands against the desk, and Mike can't keep his eyes off them as her short-nailed fingers beat out the rhythm of a funeral dirge. He wonders how many people she's killed with them. "While usually I would crush your show of spine to remind you that you're a mere invertebrate, I will be gracious and let that pass this one time. Do not irritate me, because I will be offering no more displays of mercy.

"I haven't given up on destroying that vermin breeding ground, but you're not a part of those plans. I know how to utilize resources due to my time tracking Saddam Hussein down in ad-Dawr, so it's natural I've found the perfect use for your freakishly flexible self."

Mike's really not liking the sound of this. He wonders if there's any way this won't end in pain for him.

She leans forward a bit, and he feels his breath catch and his pulse quicken. His hands start to get sweaty, and all he can think is that he wants to run away. He hasn't ever had a panic attack, but he wonders if this is what one feels like.

Sue doesn't notice, intent on forwarding her grand plan. "I'm sure you're aware of the recent addition of one Kurt Hummel to the Cheerios as lead soloist."

The whole school is aware, since they'd all been forced to attend the Madonna-themed pep rally. Seeing Kurt perform had been disconcerting, since somehow the Cheerios uniform made him look almost masculine. Kurt has taken to wearing it around the school, like the rest of the cheerleaders, instead of his usual fantastic_ haute couture_.

So yes, Mike is very aware of Kurt's recent shift in allegiance.

He just can't find the voice to tell her. He hopes that nodding is enough of a response, then realizes Sue doesn't care. She's monologuing. Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut and hope she decides his silence is affirmation.

"Boy George missed practice last week due to a problem with his sexual identity, and then he spent several days wearing attire that came from Target's bargain bin, before deciding he was going to date Brittany. Naturally I am concerned about the prospect of him having a mental breakdown before I use him to secure my sixth straight Nationals championship."

A person would have had to have been blind to have missed Kurt's recent struggles. Kurt wearing non-name brand clothing had been out of character enough, but his rendition of "Pink Houses" had weirded out the entire Glee Club. But by keeping his mouth shut and ears opened, Mike had heard the explanation for Kurt's uncharacteristic descent into blue collar America.

Mike wonders why Sue hadn't figured it out. Kurt is back to his old self, so why would she be thinking about this still?

"Although he has thankfully returned to his more predictable, Carson-esque self, I remain concerned he may try to indulge in future attempts to 'discovery himself,'" she says, making air quotes with a derisive snort. "I am going to use you, Other Asian Whose Name I've Never Bothered To Learn, to determine if he's really as gay as a Mardi Gras parade, or if I need to kick him out of the girl's locker room. I don't want to have to worry about anymore unexpected pregnancies interfering with my roster."

And this had something to do with Mike?

"I need a test to confirm George Michael is once again safely batting for the home team." She points a finger at him. "You're going to kiss him," she tells Mike.

Mike's jaw drops. The last thing he'd been expecting was for Sue to pimp out one of her Cheerios, especially Kurt. Mike doesn't know Kurt that well, but from what he does know, Kurt isn't going to take kindly to the idea of being served up on a platter.

"You're pretty enough," she says. "Which is one of the reasons I've decided you're better than that Mohawked Jew."

"Puck?" Mike says incredulously, forgetting the cardinal rule of not speaking. The idea of Puck/Kurt is so very, very wrong, and it immediately brings to mind sadomasochistic practices Mike certainly hasn't seen in the pornos his father doesn't own and hide in the garage. Though a small part of him admits it could be very hot.

"Ladyface likes pretty jocks who can sing. I figure you're the safer bet. I don't want him catching gonorrhea. Might affect his voice."

Mike so doesn't want to think about this. "Look, Coach, I appreciate the thought, but I'm straight."

She tsks, giving him a pitying look. "No, you're not. You're bi. No one who's completely straight can move like you," she says.

He's not sure if that's a compliment or not. But he's not offended either, because the idea intrigues him.

Mike's not gay, but like most modern teens, he's a bit on the bicurious side. He'd always figured he'd have a chance to explore once he hit college, but there's no reason not to get a head start on "finding himself." Getting "kiss a boy" off his bucket list will give him more time to devote to the indie rock band he plans on founding in his sophomore year at Butler.

And Kurt is certainly attractive enough to experiment with. Mike's not blind, and he's noticed that the cut of the Cheerio uniform showcases a lean body.

This could be win-win for him, since if word ever gets out that he kissed a boy (whether he likes it or not), he can blame Sue. No one, not even Karofsky, would think twice about it. Sue Sylvester merrily reorders the universe to fit her whims, after all.

She must take his pensive expression for reluctance, because she makes him an offer. "I'll stop calling you Other Asian if you do it."

Very tempting, but Mike's not dumb enough to buy it. "What will you call me instead?"

She grins, and he's reminded of _Jaws._ Not that he ever bothered to see the ancient film, but the core idea's in there someplace. "Do you not trust the judgment of the mighty Sue Sylvester, who turned down a Rhodes Scholarship because the other recipients weren't up to her standards of brilliance?"

"You'll call me Chang," he tells her.

"Bargaining? While normally I would squash your show of insouciance, I find myself in a benevolent mood."

She holds her hand out to him, and it takes all his courage to take it. He knows he's making a deal with the devil, but it's a very attractive deal. He's never really considered Kurt as a prospect, but if Sue is setting it up, then Kurt isn't going to have a chance.

Not surprisingly, Sue Sylvester is a knuckle-breaker.

Now if Mike was cast member in a sitcom, this would be the point where a bunch of elaborate plans would be engaged to manipulate Kurt into a situation where he would be vulnerable to Asian kissage. There would be numerous pitfalls and stumbling blocks, but it would end in a comically timed kiss which would transition into either major PDA or the best form of homosexual aversion therapy.

But Sue Sylvester always prefers a more direct approach. Why use delicacy where a sledgehammer will do? Sue tells him to attend practice right after school, and she will make sure Kurt understands that Sue is prepared to decide what his sexuality is.

As soon as Mike walks out of Sue's office, he is met by stares and whispers. The bell for sixth period rang five minutes ago, but there's still a ton of students lingering in the hallway, ignoring their educational obligations. Since Figgins cut the budget for hall monitors, chronic tardiness has become a way of life. Puck is doing a thriving business in forged late passes which none of the teachers has caught onto yet.

Mike is not used to being a school celebrity, and it takes him five minutes to realize he does not like it. Mike has occasionally wondered what it would be like to be the center of attention, but unlike Rachel Berry, never wanted it. He has to give himself kudos for common sense, because there's no silver lining in being the main topic of the school's gossip mill.

He realizes how low he's sunk when Jewfro himself appears next to him, a smarmy smile on his face. Jacob shoves an electronic recorder under his chin. "Rumor has it that Coach Sylvester has decided to add you to her collection of Cheerios due to your insane flexibility. Care to confirm?"

If he was Rachel, he would have granted an exclusive interview heavily tainted with loathing. If he was Puck, he would have dealt with the question by binning the blogger in the nearest dumpster. If he was Santana, he would have offered a few cutting remarks that utterly emasculated Jacob.

But he is Mike, the second nicest jock in school right after Finn Hudson. So he just smiles and says, "Dude, no idea what you're talking about," before offering Jacob a friendly clap on the back that sends the smaller boy into the nearest locker. "You okay?" he asks, blinking with one hundred percent manufactured concern.

Jacob is too busy making sure his recorder isn't broken to watch as Mike goes on his way. Mike tries not to gloat visibly. Passive aggressiveness is one of his most prized personality traits.

It takes two hours for the end of the school day to arrive, and another nine minutes for Cheerios' practice to begin. Sue is very, very precise about the start of practice since she's timed how long it takes for her to do one school-wide circuit to inspire fear into the plebeian students after last period. By the time she arrives in the gym, all of her Cheerios had better be well into her stretching warm-ups or else.

Mike doesn't remember seeing the rumored rack in Sue's office, but he readily believes Sue would consider using it as an incentive to make her cheerleaders stretch properly.

He makes sure to arrive as soon as the final bell rings. He's no longer the main topic of conversation, since Finn, Matt and Puck are currently in Figgins' office being railed at for locking Jacob outside on the roof in only his underwear. Mike doesn't know how they managed to get Jacob up there since the only roof access is a hatch above the auditorium that was welded shut two years ago. Still, Mike is going to have to bring the booze this weekend, since the three had succeeded in distracting attention from him.

God, he loves the power of text messaging. And he really loves his bros, who can be counted on to do anything when supplied with appropriate alcoholic incentive.

The Cheerios are into mid-stretch when he arrives, although there's no sign of Sue yet. This Cheerios' practice is one of the ones open to the general school population to demonstrate their superiority over every other group in the school, so he's just one of several onlookers.

Brittany waves to him, but Santana just gives him a smug little smile before beginning a set of very suggestive partner stretches with Brittany. Mike let his eyes rest on the two briefly – they're creating this show for his benefit, after all, and it would be rude to completely ignore it – but finds himself not that enthralled. He's already had some experience with Brittany's flexibility, and Santana is Puck's, no matter what either of them say. He appreciates them in a purely aesthetic sense, not "I want to tap that, now."

Thinking of tapping it makes his eyes search for Kurt. He spots him off to the edge, running through a series of floor exercises that help enhance flexibility. Kurt moves well, Mike thinks, and is a lot more limber than most boys of his acquaintance. He might almost be half as good as Mike. Of course, Mike is double-jointed in every joint in his body, so maybe it's not fair to compare.

Kurt is plugged into his Ipod and not paying attention, so Mike feels free to stare and consider the possibilities. Since it's inevitable that Sue's meddling is going to get out (Sue Sylvester's plans never go off without fanfare, a marching band accompaniment and printed announcements in the school newspaper), he doesn't worry about being caught staring at the gay kid. He can always claim it was out of anticipatory terror.

Kissing Kurt might just be the start, he thinks, admiring the way Kurt pulls a leg over his head. Mike thinks it might not be a bad idea to keep himself open to crossing the line from bicurious to bisexual. Kurt's attractive and likely desperate for some lovin' after the whole mess with Finn.

He really shouldn't be thinking like this. He is only going to kiss Kurt, not introduce him to the wonderful world of nonvirginity. Mike reminds himself he is a nice guy who doesn't prey upon people on the rebound, even if the rebound is from an unrequited crush.

Kurt unwittingly chooses that moment to destroy Mike's resolve to be a Good Person by starting into yoga positions.

When Mike's head suddenly explodes in somewhat familiar pain (though on the right side), he realizes Sue Sylvester has arrived. And that he stupidly hasn't learned anything today, since she once again caught him unaware. This time he can't blame anyone else, since it really is Mike's own fault for not being hyperaware of his surroundings.

None of the cheerleaders even blink as Sue drags him into the center of the gym. They're so used to her tyranny that her casual abuse is a way of life. Sue is above such little things as common decency.

She raises her omnipresent bullhorn and blasts out, "Elton John! Get your pear-shaped hips over here!"

Kurt startles a bit – he still hasn't entirely assimilated into the squad, and Gleek reflexes when it comes to impending attack are second to none – but he pulls off his Ipod and sashays over. "Yes, Coach Sylvester?" he says, coolly collected and not displaying an ounce of fear.

Mike thinks he's either very brave or very suicidal.

"I've decided it's time for me to tell you your sexuality," Sue tells Kurt, still speaking into the bullhorn. "Right now I'm leaning towards gayer than Tinky-Winky, but I'm an open-minded sort of person, so I'm going to let you confirm this for yourself. Since you are one of the few students who may have some value to my ultimate plans of world domination, I made sure to get you one without an STD."

She uses Mike's ear to force him forward, and Mike does _not_ let out a yelp of pain when he stumbles into Kurt. Kurt catches him instinctively, keeping Mike from landing on the floor in an embarrassing pile of gracelessness.

"Thanks," Kurt says. He's gone pale, and since he already has the complexion of a Victorian lady on arsenic, it's not attractive. "But I don't need you to be a pimp for me."

"Keep believing that, Mitzi Del Bra. And while you may wallow in those delusions, my agenda demands that I classify your orientation in the next thirty minutes so I can refocus on more important things, like destroying your slimy little Glee Club." Thankfully she chooses to lower the megaphone. "Come with me, you potential new residents of Sodom." She barrels toward the exit, obviously expecting them to follow her command without hesitation.

Mike turns red with embarrassment. He knows he probably looks drunk, since he's an unfortunate victim of Asian flush and has experience with intense blushes.

Kurt gives him an inscrutable look, before snapping his fingers in Mike's face. "Stay calm, and I'll try to get you out of this with your sanity intact," he says. "Just play along for a bit, and please remember this is not my idea, so I would appreciate not being tossed into the dumpster first thing tomorrow."

"It's okay. It's Coach Sylvester," Mike says, knowing that's explanation enough.

Sue is waiting in the hallway, her foot tapping impatiently. "Hurry up. I don't have all day to waste on playing Cupid."

For a second, Mike fears she's going to demand he pucker up and kiss Kurt in front of her, which would be all kinds of traumatizing. The jocks have a running joke about how thinking of Sue Sylvester is the best immediate cure to an inconvenient boner, but there's more than a grain of truth in it.

She doesn't do that, instead leading them down the hall to janitor's closet which is the favored on campus make-out location for members of the cheerleading squad. "You're going to play a popular little game called Three Minutes in Heaven," she informs them.

"I thought it was seven minutes?" Kurt asks a bit faintly. His color is coming back, which is good, though Mike isn't thrilled at the look of sheer horror on his face. The idea of kissing him isn't that repugnant, is it?

"You're teenage males. You'll be lucky to last three," Sue says, smirking evilly. She opens the door, and manages to shove them both inside. Mike hears her keys in the door as she locks them in. "I better hear the sound of pretty boys making out!"

Kurt looks at Mike. There's just enough light coming through the cracks around the door for Mike to see how embarrassed Kurt is. "I am really sorry about this, although I have absolutely no control over her," he whispers, barely loud enough for Mike to hear. "If you need to retaliate to reestablish your reputation as a staunch heterosexual, I just ask you do it while I'm in my Cheerios uniform so I don't have to pay for the dry cleaning."

"It's cool," Mike responds, just as quietly. He leans forward to kiss Kurt, but is stopped by Kurt's suddenly upraised arm. Kurt is lowering his mouth to his elbow, and Mike can't figure out what Kurt is thinking. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to make appropriate sounds to convince her that we are indeed following her orders to suck face," Kurt replies. "You don't have to watch."

It's actually a clever idea, but it doesn't jive with Mike's plans. He smiles and catches Kurt's arm to prevent Kurt from following through. He has a much better use for Kurt's lips in mind.

"Don't you think it'd be more fun to kiss someone else?" he asks.

His words manage to do the seeming impossible: render Kurt Hummel speechless. It lasts all of five seconds, but Mike counts it as a win. "Are you joking?" Kurt sputters.

"Nope," Mike replies, and tilts his head in the way Brittany had told him was really cute. "I'm not saying I'm in love with you and want to be your boyfriend, but since we're here anyway, what can it hurt to consider us possible friends with benefits?"

"You're not gay," and the flatness of Kurt's voice is telling in everything it _isn't_ expressing. Kurt has major issues from being the prime target of the school jocks' raging homophobia, and it's natural he's wary of Mike's offer.

"Coach Sylvester says I'm bi," Mike replies. He places his hands on Kurt's shoulders.

Kurt doesn't jerk away, but his body language remains unreceptive. "I don't want to waste my first kiss on someone who's experimenting."

"I thought you made out with Brittany," Mike says, pretending confusion. He knows what Kurt means, but isn't above playing stupid to get what he wants. He's not a dumb jock, but he knows how to act like one if it's to his advantage.

"Point taken," Kurt replies, and a bit of his defenses crack. "You promise you're not going to take this out on me later?"

"On my honor as a dancer." It's the only thing he can swear on that matters.

Kurt pretends to think on it, but Mike knows he's going to cave. Sure enough, five seconds later Kurt is relaxing under his hands, bringing his mouth to Mike's to initiate a kiss.

It's not like he'd been expecting. Most Cheerios are very demanding kissers, but Kurt's lips brush against his, whisper-soft. Mike smiles slightly and leans down to kiss him back. Kurt's arms wrap around Mike's body, and he presses himself closer. He's slender but not weak, and Mike thinks it's kind of awesome to be making out with someone he doesn't have to worry about breaking.

Then Kurt opens his mouth to let Mike slip him the tongue, and Mike forgets about thinking all together.

It's way, way longer than the three minutes Sue Sylvester had allotted them when they finally come up for air. They pant unevenly for a couple long moments, staring at each other stupidly as they realize third base isn't that far from where they're standing.

"So are you gay?" Mike asks, immediately cringing as he realizes how horrible that question sounds.

"I've been gay since I was five," Kurt says. "Though I suppose I owe you a thank you for confirming it. You can never prove a hypothesis without running a trial."

"Happy to help," Mike says. "Want to help me determine if I'm bicurious or bisexual?"

Kurt smiles a little bit, before wrapping a hand around Mike's collar. "I can help with that," he purrs.

It takes Mike about an hour to realize Sue Sylvester isn't coming back to let them out of the closet. It takes Mike less than a minute after that realization to remember he has his cellphone in his back pocket, and he could easily call for help. It takes Mike only a second to decide not to tell Kurt immediately. He wonders if that's a bit sleazy of him, but Mike convinces himself that Kurt isn't in any hurry to leave, either. It's not like Kurt hasn't been groping his ass enough to know the phone is there.

It can wait. Mike's just about to discover out if gay guys give better blowjobs.


End file.
